The End of the 00s The Hollywood Crowd, by Ken Wheaton – The Awl

byTheEndofthe?

00s

Theyearwas2007。

Broken-heartedaftertheNewOrleansSaintslosttoChicagointheNFCChampionshipgame,IflewouttoLosAngelestohangoutwithmybestfriendfromcollege,Doug。

DougwasdoinggradworkinmarinebiologyatUSC。

Asmartguy,evenifhewasfromJersey。

ButevenmoreimpressivethanhisbrainsandhisfancysciencetripstoAntarcticaandhisabilitytolaughoffmyglobal-warmingdenialismwithoutslappingme,werehisdrinkingandfootball-watchingskills。

Also,forasciency,white-trashsortfromNewJersey,heranwithaHollywoodcrowd。

Atanyrate,wewentoutintothehillseastofLosAngelestothehomeofoneofDoug’sfriends,wherewesetupaprojectionTVsystemandawhitesheet?

—?

allthebettertothrowthingsatthescreenshouldthehatedBearswinthegame。

Wedrankanddranksomemore。

Athalftime,wewatchedAquaTeenHungerForce。

Ithink。

TheColts?

won。

Oh,andamonkeyslapped?

me。

Now,whenIsaidDougranwithaHollywoodcrowd,Ididn’tmeanTHEHollywoodcrowd,butaHollywoodcrowd。

Namely,aHollywoodcrowdthattrainedanimalsandstuntanimals。

IncludingCrystal,themonkeywhoplayed“Dexter”in“ANightatthe?

Museum。



ThoughI’dheardshecouldbeirateandjealous(especiallyaroundwomen),Crystalseemedacoolmonkeytome。

Worelittlemonkeypants。

Pickedatmyscalp。

Satonmyshoulder。

Undoubtedly,shewassuperimpressedwithmyT-shirtthatread,“IWishIWereaMonkey。

ThatWayICouldFlingMyPoopat?

You。



ButwhenIputmyhandoutinahigh-fivefashion(whatelsedoyoudowithamonkey,anyway),shesmacked?

me。

Turnsouttheflat-outpalmwasthesignalthey’dtaughthertoslapBenStillerduringthemakingofthe?

movie。

Thereisalessoninthissomewhere,butIhadsomuchtodrinkthatnight,Icouldn’ttellyouwhatthatlessonis。

Anditwasn’tnearlyasmeaningfulasthedayIgotmarriedorwhenIfoundoutmyfirstnovelwouldbepublished。

Butreally,wasn’tthisdecadeallabouthowyou’dratherreadaboutsomeonegettingslappedbya?

monkey?

KenWheaton’sfirstnovel,TheFirstAnnualGrandPrairieRabbitFestival(Kensington)willbereleasedattheendofthemonth。